Harry Goes Ghetto!
by meethzoonk
Summary: Harry Potter ... the rap superstar?? Get REAL! No, seriously, get real and read this one... *CHAPTER 4 ADDED!
1. the part where it all began

Way-ull … this story sets somewhere in Harry's fourth year before Voldie resurrected. Times were still fun. Still happy. No Triwizard here. No Quidditch world cup. Just Harry, acting weird! I love weird Harrys. ***Simpson laugh*** Ha-Ha! Oh, I don't own The Simpsons!

DISCLAIMER : I disclaim! I don't own anything in what I write except for the plot!

~*~*~*~*~

It was summer holiday again, and for Dudley Dursley, it was the worst. Because his cousin is coming back. His freak cousin. His _wizard_ cousin. Yes, Harry Potter is coming back to Privet Drive number four this holiday and Dudley hates the fact as much as Harry.

But this summer, everything is gonna change. For Dudley Dursley has a secret weapon up his sleeve and it's no magic trick.

"Hey Harry," he called his scar-faced cousin after dinner. "Tommorow's September 1st! You're going away tommorow, right cousin? Poof! Begone!" he said gleefully.

Harry didn't say anything and kept staring at his puny chunk of chicken wing. He was ignoring him. Dudley didn't like this. He hates being ignored. Even by Harry. _Especially_ by Harry.

"_You're not listening to me!_" he practically yelled in Harry's ear.

Harry spun around, "What!? Why should I? I'm _always_ ignoring you! Why do I have to stop now!? I _like_ ignoring you!"

"Because!" reasoned Dudley. Not that it _is_ a reason, though. He just says that in a very acrimonious tone to scare people off and oddly, people always seem to fall for it. 

Except Harry, of course.

"Because, _what_?" he challenged.

Dudley pouted his fat and ugly face. He hates being challanged. It makes him feel like a sore loser. He hates feeling like a sore loser. He hates Harry even more now for doing that to him! Aaaargh!

Harry smirked, "The big bully can't even answer a simple question .. ha!"

"Watch your mouth, cousin. You don't want me to rat on my Daddy, dontcha?"

"Watch _your_ mouth, cousin. You don't want _me_ to rat on _my_ godfather, dontcha!?"

Rats. Now he's mimicking him. Dudley hates being mimicked. Even more by Harry. Dudley goes red in the face. His face is now so warm you can warm your hands on it. He is mortified. He hates his cousin's guts so much, that he thinks, he thinks that it is now THE TIME to use his new secret weapon on Harry. Yes, THE TIME.

"Oh, Ha-rry.." he called in a singsong voice. A tiny bundle of something was taken out of his back pocket.

Harry rolled his eyes, "this is the last day, the last day in friggin privet drive before Hogwarts, the last day .." he chanted to himself. Then he turned, "Yes, Dudley?"

The tiny bundle of something is suddenly let loose in front of Harry's specs. It was a pendulum. 

Well, actually it's Aunt Petunia's old necklace but Dudley _insists_ it's a pendulum. ("It _is_!" squealed Dudley) Yeah, sure it is Duds. **whack!** Ow! You hit me! Why you little..!! **pow!bang!boom!kick!crash!whack!** Uh .. ehem … get on with the story …

"What the-?" Harry started.

The pendulum swayed and swerved like a worm at the end of a fishing line. It wriggled and it swiggled. And Harry became transfixed just by watching it. He is being hypnotized by Dudley Dursley. Yes, this is his secret weapon. The hypnotize.

"Now.." started Dudley in a misty voice, "You are now a … pig … a pig … you are no longer Harry Potter … you are now a pig …"

Grunt. Grunt. Squeal. Snort. Snort. "Eeeeee!" squealed Harry the pig. He grunted again.

Dudley sniggered. But Harry can't go to Hogwarts like this. He will be mocked beyond you imagination! No, no, no. That would be bad. He is still his freaky cousin. Freaky, yes. But unfortunately, still his cousin. He doesn't want any pig to be his cousin.

Dudley sighed. He is becoming soft. He hates becoming soft. And he hates Harry even more for making him take pity on him. Oh, f*ck you Harry.

The boy snapped his chubby fingers and Harry blinked. He is no longer a pig. But he is furious.

"What the hell did you do to me!?" he shouted, shooting invisible daggers through his black specs. Dudley ignored him. Serves him right for ignoring _him_!

Dudley starts thinking. (what? He can think!? It's a _miracle_!)

Harry needs to become someone … someone so weird, so freaky, so uncanny, so unearthly, that even in the wizarding world he will be remembered as the weirdest weirdo of all. And he will suffer because of that. Dudley knows. Dudley sees it all. Harry will turn into the old Harry, before he even knew he was a wizard. The poor, defenseless, abnormal, unusual Harry. The Harry Dudley never hates and always loved. 

Dudley sniffed. Ahh .. how he missed the old days. The days when it was just him and his gang using skinny Harry Potter as a puching bag. Classic. Timeless. He wouldn't trade those times for the world … well, maybe for a couple of sacks of potato chips or Mars bars remembering that he is still on a _diet_. Ugh. How he hates that word. _Diet_. Ugh!

Just then he saw MTV. He sees IT. Yes, IT. 

The one person in musical land Dudley despites. The one who DARED to insult his favoritest spiritual singer of all time, Moby. The one who DARED to insultingly dress up as his favoritest pop star, Britney Spears in the legendary lolita school girl outfit. The one, the only, mr. Controversial – EMINEM!!! 

Dudley growled at the TV screen. 

(A/N : I DO NOT hate Em. In fact, I WUV him! I have all his tapes and there's this giant poster of him in my room. I'm sorry Mama .. I never meant to hurt youu .. so Em fans : don't hatemail me! I'm one of _you_! And to Moby and Britney fans, I'm NOT being sarcastic about them either. This is just Dudley's point-of-view of the people in musical land, aaiight?? Peace .. Peace ..) 

The Shady One was just being interviewed by MTV News. Dudley growled again. He hates seeing Eminem being interviewed. Just look at him talk in that rapper talk … and he's – oh no! He's dissing Moby again! Grrrr! Dudley is growling even more severely. How DARE he say things about perfect Moby! It makes him so angry.

Suddenly, he realized – that's what Harry should be like! Controversial Harry. Ghetto Harry. Harry talking rap language. 

Harry, the Rap Superstar. 

Dudley's face broke into an ugly chubby grin. 

For all I know, Dudley hates rappers. He hates hip-hoppers. He hates rockstars. He hates seeing men with long hair who wears bandanas around his heads. He hates N*SYNC for making pop so dirrty. He hates anything and everything that deceives the all-POP life he adores. He even hates guitars and become momentarily insane at the sight of them. (Uncle Vernon calls it Guitarophobia) Dudley is positive that everyone else in the world agrees to the thinking of his minute brain (which is NOT). 

Now, he will turn Harry into something everybody else hates. He will turn Harry into a rapper. And not just any kind of rapper, a boy-who-thinks-he-can-rap-and-talks-a-bunch-of-jibberish kind of rapper. Yeah!

"Ehem … Ha-rry …" he said mistically, the pendulum swaying back and forth once again in front of Harry's face. "You are now … a rapper … a wannabe rapper … you are no longer Harry Potter the wizard … you are now – uhm – HarPot the rap superstar who is formerly known as Harry Potter the wizard … yeah … that's it … and when I snap my fingers, you will forget all and remember nothing of this –*****snap*****!"

Harry blinked.

"Cousin? Can you tell me, what's my name?" asked Dudley cautiously. Did it work? Did it work?

Harry blinked again then he opened his mouth, "Ya? Shut up, Duds. Yo ain't funny!" he said in what clearly sounded like rap-talk. 

__

Dudley, my man .. you are a genius! Dudley smiled broadly. A big fat evil smile, for the REAL fun had just began.

~*~*~*~

Ha Ha Ha!! cacklecacklecackle HarPot the Rap Superstar? Well, this _is_ Dudley's thinking. Not mine! (yeah, right) Up for a challenge, guys? Think you can find a better stage name for Harry? REVIEW me! I'll be waiiitiiiing…… 

Oh, and I can't really rap-talk. So for all rappers and hip-hoppers out there – HELP! And REVIEW! OkeyDokey? (now, that's definitely no rap-talk!) 


	2. this is the second bit

Can you believe I wrote this chap at a Math test? [f(x)=x²-2x … aaaaargh!] 

I wasn't really serious about posting this at first but then my old pal Annonymouse read it and practically laughed her head off. At first, I thought she had gone mad since she was laughing at her _table_, but then I realized that she had actually been reading THIS! And she co-wrote it too! Yay! Thanks Annonymouse! (There, I said it. You owe me one!)

DISCLAIMER : I hate disclaimers. But I disclaim!

~*~*~*~

Harry Potter stepped into Platform 9 ¾. All eyes were on him as he walked. Some girls scream and faint at the sight of him. Some boys hooted at him. Others simply stared.

Harry grinned. He LOVES being in the limelight. Well, _this _Harry does. He started to wink uncontrollably at the fainting girls.

A finger suddenly tapped his shoulder. Harry wheeled around and found himself face to face with his old pal, Ron Weasley. He was wearing a twisted sort of look on his face.

"Yo! Wassup, Ron!?" Harry greeted him coolly. "Well, looky here. I see yo all ready fo school, aiight ma' man?" he looked down at Ron's tattered school robes.

Ron gaped at him unbelievably, "Well, looky _here_. I see you have a diaper …. on your _head_! With 'BOOTYLICIOUS' written all over it, which by the way, I have no idea what it means!! No wonder people are gawking at you! And you have this icky sauce on your face, just right here…" he pointed to a spot just above his lip.

Harry touched the spot Ron had pointed, but then laughed. "Ron, my bro' – "

"bro?"

" - dis ain't no sauce on my face! You be trippin' man, this is called a tache.."

"What!?"

"Moustache!"

Ron raised his eyebrows in bewilderment, "Moustache!? Harry, you're FOURTEEN!!"

Harry sighed, "Okay, so I faked them – big deal! Wuteva it takes to look _cool_!" he winked at Ron. (A/N : Eww..)

"OH MY GOD!! Nooooo….." screamed someone from behind Harry. Harry turned and saw Ginny Weasley sobbing uncontrollably.

"Hey hey hey … wassup, girl? Why you be cryin' like dat, yo?" Harry walked over to the hysterical girl to pat her back but she stumbled away from him.

"You're .. you're all CHAINED UP!!" she pointed a trembling finger at Harry's cuffs, then proceeded to run away crying.

"Huh?"

Neville Longbottom walked up to him shakily, "Harry, is that true .. _chained up_? Does this mean you're going to .. to .. (_gulp_) .. to _Azkaban_?" Neville looked as if he was about to cry. 

Harry laughed, "Naw man! Dis be my bling-blings!" he held up the chains on his wrists proudly.

"Your _blinking_?" asked Ron confusedly.

"Aww, man! Me homies be clueless!" he slapped his forehead impatiently. 

Ron frowned. He looked taken aback. "Geez, Harry!! Get real! You're really starting to piss me off with your funny talk and I – "

"Chill, mama coca – chill!!" he waved his hands in front of Ron, stopping Ron in mid-sentence. "I'm sorry, aiight? Just calm down, yo … relax … ya, that's right … breath in …"

Ron huffed.

"… breath out …"

Ron puffed.

"Good, good! Happy now?"

"Sort of." Ron smiled weakly. He still wasn't used to seeing Harry like this. He didn't like it. It was definitely freaky. Like something out of the Twilight Zone..

(A/N : I don't own the Twilight Zone!)

"I think … we should get going Harry. The train should be departing in a few minutes and we haven't met Herm – HARRY! Stop doing that!" he yelled at a winking Harry. Girls were fainting before his feet – _again_. 

It was embarrassing. It was _humilliating_. 

Ron rolled his eyes and looked down to the floor as he walked, but all he saw was unconscious girls. What a dreadful sight. Girls were dropping dead by the moment and it's all because of Harry's new look!

He quickly slipped into one of the empty cabins and – "Hermione!" he exclaimed.

"Hi Ron! Nice holiday? I bet! Where's Harry?" asked Hermione.

"He's outside – NO! Don't go there! You DON'T want to see him now!"

"But I – "

"Let's just get into one of the compartments, shall we?" said Ron, dragging Hermione to one of the empty compartments.

"Ron! What are you – OH MY GOD!!" she shrieked. 

Harry had just stepped into the cabin - diapers and all. Ron sighed and closed his eyes thinking Hermione is going to faint too like the girls outside. But she didn't - thank GOD! Ron gave out a very relieved sigh.

"Harry James Potter!?" exclaimed Hermione, her hand pointing directly at Harry's black-rimmed specs – which was clearly the last remaining object from the _old_ Harry.

Harry smiled and winked at the thunderstruck girl in front of him, "Wassup babe…"

"_Babe_!?" she squealed. Her voice now fainter than a whisper. "Harry, you're discriminating me! What is up with you? You're talking funny and you dress like – NO! Oh NO! You're NOT trying to be Eminem, are you!?"

"Emmy – what!?" asked Ron.

"_Eminem_" repeated Hermione fervently, still not taking her eyes off Harry.

"Ooh! I know! Aren't they the type of muggle chocolate?" Ron's face lit up at the memory of the chocolate his dad had brought home ages ago, "Not like Honeydukes' though but still … mmm."

"No man! He be da _bomb_!" exclaimed Harry, gesturing what seemed to be like a high five in the air.

"Huh?? He's a bomb?" asked Ron, getting more and more confused. "B-but, isn't that dangerous?" 

Hermione's eyebrows shot up at Ron's stupid remark but chose to ignore it. She turned back to Harry, "What happened, Harry? You're not exactly the 'ghetto' type, you know that. If you're just being weird, I say you snap right out of it this instant!"

"Yo my gal … this is the way I am. And I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am? In the paper, the news everyday I am .. I dunno that's just the way I am!" Harry rapped. 

Hermione had to hold down a giggle at this one. God _knows_ he did his best to impersonate the rap master, but like they say, the leopard can't change its spots. And Harry can't hide that strong Brit accent of his either, as hard as he might try.

On the other hand, Ron was left to figure things out for himself. "Huh?? What paper? What news? Is Rita Skeeter back again? What did she write this time? Huh? Huh?" 

Hermione let out an annoyed sigh and went into a compartment. Harry sighed too and walked into the compartment after Hermione, leaving a very puzzled Ron to think about what just happened.

"What did I say!?" he asked to no one in particular before staggering confusedly into the compartment.

Inside, Harry had just finished telling Hermione about his new name.

"… so Imma turn to that and nothing else!" Harry was saying.

Hermione looked at him blankly before breaking up into roars of laughter.

"HAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHEEHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!"

Ron gazed at his friend in awe. She laughs like a _jackass_. In all those times - _never_. What a rare sight. He felt this huge urge to laugh along with her but couldn't see what was so funny. Ron darted his eyes to Harry and saw an exasperated look on his face.

"What!?" Harry snapped.

"What? I was just _looking_!" retorted Ron.

"D-don't mind him, Ron. _HarPot _here is unusually touchy today – HA! HarPot! What kind of name is that!? HA!" chuckled Hermione.

"HarPot?" he sniggered. "Ha .. ha .. hahahaHaHaHAHAHA!! Who is stupid enough to have such a name??"

Hermione looked innocently at Harry, "_Someone_. Right, Harry? Uhm, I mean – _HarPot the rap superstar_! HA!"

"No way!? HIM!?"

"Yeah, HIM!"

The two literally broke down laughing, pointing mockingly at a defenseless Harry (or is it HarPot?) who had gone red in the face. Ooh, the shame! He thinks he cannot stand!

"Oh shut up will ya!?" roared Harry suddenly, "_I_ didn't make that stupid name up! Someone else .. did. But who?" he asked himself curiously. 

He should've thought about that before. It _was_ a remarkably stupid name. Draco Malfoy would've never let Harry forget it if he ever found out about it! I mean, the _real_ Harry would've thought of better names than HarPot, obviously! Since his own father came up with _Prongs_!

"Harry?" Ron looked down at him worriedly. He had stopped laughing.

"Yo?"

"You alright?" asked Hermione.

"Fo sho! I'm just thinkin'!"

Ron grinned, "So .. it's not HarPot, right?"

"Fo sho it isn't! Dat's why I'm thinkin'! Dat's why ya hav to shut up now! Ssh!"

"Man, I think you really need a new name.."

"I think what you really need right now is a _tissue_ Harry," said Hermione. "You have some kind of _fungus_ on your face, just right here.." she pointed to a spot just above her lip. 

Ron groaned as Harry laughed and started to explain the whole 'tache' thing all over again.

~*~*~*~

Well?? I can use some NAMES here for poor Harry! (or is it HarPot?) I know, I'm bad at making up names. No, scrub that. I STINK at making up names! Bad me. 

Holler to all the creative-minded people out there : I _need _a rap name for Harry Potter!

Uhm, I could use some reviews too, y'know! PLEASE!


	3. The Quidditch Match From Hell For Gryffi...

Disclaimer: I own nothing! I literally mean it, JKR owns the characters. Meethzoonk own the idea. The computer belongs to my mum. Even the _shirt_ I'm _wearing_ belongs to my brother!!!

annonymouse would like to say *Blows a raspberry* TTTTBTHBTBHTBHTBHT! ENJOY! Oh, and if you have the time, come read _my _fics, my nic if you haven't already guessed… is annonymouse!

*Meethzoonk slaps annonymouse's head for shamelessly advertising her stories*

annonymouse : ARGHRGHRGH! Gerrof me you… you… GERBIL *swats Meethzoonk away* As I was saying…

Meethzoonk : Oh NO you DON'T! *Grabs annonymouse's hair and starts yanking* Gerbil!? I'll show _you _GERBIL!

Annonymouse : Wait…*pushes Meethzoonk away* Enjoy the fic, This'll take a while *Pinches Meethzoonk's nose… _hard_* 

Meethzoonk : Yeah… Wad se sed *Finds it hard to speak through said pinched nose…*

Harry frowned at Fred and George who were the new captains for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. For the past hour they've been lecturing/shouting at those who weren't paying attention alternately.

To be honest, he was bored to bits! He'd rather be practising his moves!

Yes you heard right.

He'd rather be practising his so-called 'moves' than do Quidditch.

The Muggle Studies teacher had announced that he was planning a 'Talent Show'. This was supposed to boost morale. A _Talent Show._ Open to all students who had anything to give. Harry had been one of the first ones to sign up. The 'pure-blooded' witches and wizards in the school were somewhat sceptical but as they saw their 'hero' sign up, a hoard of them trampled the teacher to sign up.

That was of course the problem. The Talent Show. It jealously guarded his thoughts day and night. _To hell with Quidditch._ He thought as they started to walk to the field. 

Arrogantly he waved to the people at the stands. The girls around Hermione had started to fan themselves again as Harry winked. Personally, she was pissed. _What is up with him anyway? _She groaned.

"WORD UP PEOPLE!" Harry bellowed and nodded, satisfied to see half the female population tug at the front of their robes and faint. 

The Slytherins watched him incredulously, in fact at that very moment Draco's usual calm composure broke, his cold eyes goggled, and he chuckled at the fool. Chuckling wouldn't seem very much to us, but to Malfoy… Chuckling was the equivalent of a full-blown laughter… The rolling-on-the-floor-clutching-sides kind of laughter. The can't-breath-oh-God-HELP-me kinda laughter. The I-sound-like-a-maniac-but-I-don't-care kinda laughter. The… well, you get the picture. His team-mates looked at him curiously, he shrugged and motioned to Madam Hooch who was signalling them to start the game.

"And th… th… the g… g…game is off to an ex… ex… exit… exiting… I mean… ex… exciting… start." Neville stammered, he was nervous at being the commentator for this game. 

Lee Jordan looked at him impatiently. This would be the last year he was commentating and was right now training other students for replacing him. Not working.

Everyone else seemed to crack under the pressure. So he desperately grabbed Neville's robes and yanked him off.

"Nuff' of that! Out the way you ninny!… Sorry Professor…" He magically magnified his voice and started where Neville left of.

"And Gryffindor beater, Fred 'I Got Laid' Weasley… Sorry Professor… beats the Bludger to an unsuspecting fool… I mean Slytherin chaser Pricilla Pierce, ooooh nicely dodged… She shoots and…. NO SCORE!" He cried out happily as the crowd roared with joy

"Blocked nicely by Ron Weasley, nice find there boys… Might be better than Wood with a bit of training…"

Harry blocked out the rest of Lee's amusing and sarcastic rhetorics. He looked at the ground and was bored to hell. Silently he began to practice his arm movements, mouthing the words to one of Nelly's song. He was so engrossed in what he was doing, too busy to see the Bludger which was headed right to his head.

WHAM!

It hit his head hard.

It hurt. (D'uh!)… Bad…

He clutched his broom tightly and began to tilt to the right.

The whole of the pitch watched worriedly as he continued to tilt.

With a sudden whoosh he was upside down. Still clutching his broom.

"Ooooh nasty hit there taken by Potter… Is he alive? I hear rigor mortis sets in almost immediately if the victim was doing strenuous exercise… Sorry Professor… Wait… Is that movement???"

Indeed it was, Harry shook his head and stared straight ahead. For one minuscule moment he was Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, not The Boy Who Wished He Was A Rapper But Fails Miserably. Still upside down, realisation hit him with a full-blown force of a horde of buffaloes. He's been hypnotised! Quickly he righted himself… You know… The right way up…

The two personalities watched each other (Imagine this was in Harry's head), furious at the interruption to his moves… Rapper Harry attacks Normal Harry. The result was comical.

Mentally they fought, trying to gain consciousness and control over the physical body. Physically though… His body was a different matter

"What's this? Hogwart's youngest seeker is… Beating the crap… Sorry Professor… Out of… _HIMSELF?_" The whole school watched with interest at the scene

Only Draco 'I Know I'm Hot' Malfoy was close enough. Close enough to hear Harry shout at himself

"GET OUT!… Yo' ma brotha', why you gotta… OUT! YOU BAST***!… Imma gonna beat your skinny ass!… You own skinny ass you prat!… Yo! No need for... I cannot believe Dudley had enough talent to HYPNO-BLOODY-TISED ME!!!" One hard slap landed on his cheek and he went still.

Malfoy who had been watching with curiosity frowned. _Hypno-what!? Weird muggle thing I suppose…_He tried to think of what it means. He had heard his father say it _once_. Once was more than enough though, because Draco Malfoy had an excellent memory, and in a moment of sheer brilliance he remembered. 

__

Hypertice, or hypotice or what ever was the muggle equivalence of the Imperio curse. So this was not Harry 'I'm The Boy Who Lived To Save Humanity Over And Over And Over Again' Potter! This was Harry 'The Boy Who Tries So Hard To Speak Ghetto (What ever Ghetto means…)' Potter…He can certainly be used to my advantage.

"Potter's back NA NA NA NA NA NA NA, He's back NYA HA HA HA HA HA!" Harry rapped ceaselessly. He flew a lap around the massive Quidditch pitch stopping now and again to blow kisses and wink at every creature with legs and a pair of boobs. He made one major stop though. Where else but in front of Cho…

"Hey Harry…" She said weakly, feeling herself drown in his eyes

"Hey babe… Lookin' hot…" He winked at her and she fainted dead away with a red face and a small sigh of contentment. She of course didn't understand _anything _he was saying. Because to her knowledge, she was neither a baby pig, or _that_ red. True she _was _feeling rather hot, but that was entirely _his _fault.

Draco watched with growing amusement as Harry mooned everyone. Hoooo boy… _This _Harry was definitely an exhibitionist. Sirius Black would have been proud.

But Draco was one of the few who found the situation amusing. For one, the Gryffindor team was actually pissed at his antiques and his lack of concentration on the game. The snitch had actually passed under his _nose_ once and he had ignored it completely! Hermione Granger was another one who disapproved. It was not nice seeing one's best friend's _butt_ displayed near her face. It was not pleasant trying to talk to this Harry. And it was not pleasant to see him make an embarrassment to himself!

She huffed indignantly as a girl next to her commented on how 'dreamy' Harry was these days. Personally she hated the change. She watched him suspiciously as his face twitched, he looked straight at her and his eyes were pleading for help. Begging her to save him. Then the next minute he winked. Just _what_ was happening? Her already existent frown deepened, was Harry in danger then?

Her thoughts were no more as she saw Draco 'You Know You Want Me' Malfoy took a deep dive, followed closely by Harry. 

"Yo, whaddup there birdies!" Harry nodded to a few passing owls… They hooted in confusion. Harry 'I'm Trying To Rap Here' Potter wasn't watching the ground, he was too busy flinging his arms around practicing his 'moves…

To busy to remember he was still in a steep dive…

Then, to everyone's utter amazement and horror… SPLAT! Harry hit the ground… and Malfoy caught the Golden Snitch. Slytherin won.

Yes… You heard right… SLYTHERIN WON!!!

Yes, we all know that that's illegal… But they won nonetheless 

"Right then… Not worth commenting… Slytherin won." Lee started dejectedly *He he! It rhymes!* He looked down at the silent pitch, *Crickets starts to chirp* the only noise was made by the celebrating team.

"Awful end… Bet they cheated… Sorry Professor… Just stating how disgusting and awfully this match ended… Fine!… Okay I'll stop!… Stop swatting me!!!" He batted away McGonagall's fierce swatting and slumped in his chair. Damn it all…

Draco smirked… Oh hell yeah, this was gonna be one fiiiiine year for the Slytherins!

annonymouse : *annonymouse kicks Meethzoonk away and locks her in tha dungeon* Right then you lot, finished??? Good. I'm finished as well, Meethzoonk will not be returning for a while until I let her out. *Brushes clothes with hands* Evil of me to let Slytherin win wasn't it? *Evil cackle*

annonymouse doesn't notice Meethzoonk 'Wingardium Laviosa'-ing a heeeuugeee bat to her head

As I was saying… *Whack!…* Ooookay… Ouch

annonymouse falls and Meethzoonks laughs evilly

Meethzoonk : I swear I can make another story just from her bloody Author's notes! Stupid annoying mouse! *Hiiissssssss* I'M EVVVVVVEEEEEIIILLLLLLLLL I tell yooooouuuu… EEEEVIIIIIIIEEEEELLLL!!! *kicks annonymouse hard*


	4. da phat nu' name

Disclaimer : Anyone who tells you that I own HP & co is a big fat liar! Because I obviously _don't_. However, the plot belongs to moi only! Of course, that annoying mouse also helps out… a little… only a _teeny weeny_ bit though… you know, real _tad_ advice… ehm!!

Okay, I'm gonna repeat what I wrote on the first chapter : this story is set in Harry's fourth year. So, no 'Argh! Voldie is alive!' kinda thing and no Triwizard champ! Now if you please, _enjoy_! Mwa ha ha!

****

CHAP 4..

Rapper Harry looked down at the blank space for 'enter name' at his Talent Show entry form, drumming his quill onto the Gryffindor common room table. Yes, the Talent Show held by that Muggle Studies teacher is coming in a week and he _still_ hasn't a name to write down.

Name! Name! Name… Harry thought endlessly. What name should he write down? What's in a name anyway? An added plus for his amazing sexual appeal for one thing, but…

It is very true that he already has a fine name, Harry Potter. And then there's that miserable, ugly one given by a mysterious someone which he definitely won't use – HarPot! But… nope, he thought.

Harry Potter is indeed a great name for Ordinary Harry, but certainly not for Rapper Harry! Rapper Harry needs something more _commercial_. After all, he _is_ a rap superstar. _All_ rap superstars trade their names for a more slammin' name! Something _thug_! Something _abusive_! Something really really _dope_!

Like, Ja Rule! But that's taken.

Hannibal 'the Cannibal' Lecter? Nah, too brutal.

Snoop Dog? Nice. But named after an animal is _so_ not for Harry Potter the rap superstar! Rapper Harry often wonders why people bother anyway. Harry the Monkey Man will never do his style!

But then again, Snoop _always_ gets the good girls.

Maybe that's why they call it animal magnetism!

But Harry here needs something different! Something that will make everyone will look in awe! Not that his physical attractiveness doesn't do that, but a name could really help you know! And he needs one that will really rock the world and beyond! Something _thug_! Something _abusive_! Something –

Wait.

Harry suddenly dropped his quill. That's it. That's _it_! THAT'S _IT_!! He stood up and shouted for all the world to hear,

"MY NAME IS..!!! MY NAME IS..!!!"

The whole common room paused and stared at their hero. Harry darted his eyes quickly from one corner to the other. After making sure he has everybody's undivided attention, he continued loudly.

"MY NAME IS … H ABUSIVE!!!"

Everyone stared in silence. Harry waited. Reaction, peeps! Hello!? A single clap was suddenly heard from the far end of the room. Then the others followed suit. Everybody clapped for him! Everybody cheered for him! "H Abusive! H Abusive! We all love you!!" boys and girls, they all chanted. (the boys have taken a liking on Rapper Harry since he taught them how to breakdance - really, _break_dance. But hey, it got them the girls!)

It's wonderful! Wonderful! They really love him!

Harry smiled smugly in the middle of the room, his eyes closed and his arms outstreched in Ja Rule style. He is totally enjoying it. They loved it! They love _him_! And he _loves_ his new name!

And so, H Abusive, it was.

Aha. Aha? Aha? Doesn't that ring a bell? It rings something _thug_! Something definitely _abusive_! Something really really _dope_! And most of all, it rings all his wants.

Harry waved a single hand in the air to silence shouts of 'encore', sat back down in his chair, picked up his quill, and wrote down his new name in utter happiness.

"H Abusive.." he grinned broadly at his form, "A new star is born!"

*

"H Abusive!?" repeated Draco. That is, if his ears were listening right. That.. that _word_ ('I am astounded it's even made a _word_!') has to be the ugliest thing he had ever heard! How horrible! Simply frightful! It desperately made him want to _abuse_ someone! Why did Goyle even bother to say that name anyway!? That idiotic _sod_!

For that, he punched Goyle on the nose.

"Ow!" yelled Goyle in pain as he fell backwards on his chair. He struggled to stand up again, "Was it something I said?"

"No, it was something _Harry Potter _said, you imbecile!! Just, don't say that name, it's terrible!"

"Ahh, but that was _then_. Now it's – " POW! Another punch from Draco took him down. Goyle struggled to stand up once more, his hand holding his bloody nose. "Wut did ya do tha' for!?"

Draco yawned gracefully and settled down in his chair, "I told you not to mention his name. Didn't I told you that, you gossip-sinner?"

Goyle tried to look down his nose sadly, "Aww, shucks. Now ah' can' entuh the talen' shouw…"

"You? Talent Show!? Impossible! The comitee would kick you out right away for having no talent whatsoever!" laughed Draco.

"I wus planning on whistling thru' ma' nos!" cried Goyle miserably.

"That's a talent!? Ha! Next you'll be drinking through your ear! Oh, wait – even _I_ can't do that!" Draco suddenly looked horrified, "My! That _is_ a talent! Disgracefully gross one indeed, but a talent, no doubt about that. Congratulations on your newfound ability Goyle, let me know when you succeed in burping through your eye." he added sarcastically, "Talent Shows held by Muggle Studies classes are _not_ your idea of fun anyway. It's never an idea of fun!"

"B-But Harry Potta' is entering too…" sniffed Goyle.

Now _that_ certainly lured Draco's curiosity. He sat up quickly, "_Really_?" he mused. "Oh. Is that so? Tell me Goyle, what do you think he might _do_ in that Talent Show?"

Goyle thought for a while. "Duh, rap?"

"_Exactly_ Goyle, my ignoramus minion!!" said Draco, slapping Goyle's back, hard. "And what do you think we should _do_ about it?"

Goyle thught for almost a minute. "Duh, watch?"

Draco tut-tutted his stupid bodyguard evenly, "No, _no_ you big, overgrown wuss! We perform our _plan_."

Goyle thought again. "Duh, we have a plan?"

"Of course we have you disastrously huge nitwit, evil plans are our natural talent." he smirked maliciously. "Now go to the kitchens and tell Crabbe to stop his daily raid! Drag him if you must! Go! Begone! We have a plan to make and we make it _now_."

And off goes Gregory Goyle, leaving a cackling and evil Draco Malfoy behind.

*

Professor Vias Ramone clapped her hands happily as Harry Potter entered the Muggle Studies classroom, "Harry! You came!" she said ecstaticly, her eyes twinkling merrily. "I suppose you're all ready for the Talent Show?"

Harry nodded shortly and waved the muggle-born Professor a salute before settling into a seat next to Hannah Abbot, who immediately fainted in full bliss.

"You're wearing that cap again! Cool!" said Ramone joyfully as she pointed the white skin cap Harry always wear and always mistaken as a diaper. Harry looked at her admiringly,

"Yo! You knew this ain't a diaper!? Thank God! It's fab to know someone who speaks da same language, y'know?" he winked at her.

The Professor held the edge of her table to stop herself from swooning, "Okay, that's enough, H Abusive – er, I mean – Mr Potter! Now if you please, we shall continue with last week's subject : Why do British Muggles drink four o'clock tea?"

The class went well for a while. I repeat, _for a while_. Ramone was in the middle of explaining the difference between tea and coffee when the door flew open – and Hermione charged right in.

Ramone clapped her hands in delight, "Hermione! How very nice of you to drop by!"

"I didn't. I'm here for the study." replied Hermione stiffly.

"You didn't? I thought you dropped Muggle Studies?"

Hermione dropped her books on the table next to Harry's and sat down in her chair, "Oh, I changed my mind." she said nonchalantly.

"Really!?" Ramone exclaimed, sounding surprised and flattered at the same time. "I thought you handed in the – you know – well, what happened to Arithmancy?"

Hermione suddenly went stiff, she opened her mouth but no words came out. Harry rolled his eyes, it was obvious she hated talking about it.

"I dropped that for …t-t-_this_!" she suddenly looked like she wanted to puke.

The spunky Professor Ramone however, didn't notice that and twirled her long blonde hair happily. "You _did_!? Excellent! Did you hear that everyone? Hermione Granger dropped Arithmancy for _us_! Let us _all_ give her a nice, big, Muggle Studies welcome-back applause!"

The whole class clapped furiously for her and Hermione sank low in her seat. In the corner of her eye, she saw Harry grinning and making a 'Peace' sign at her.

You bastard, she thought grumpily, I'm only here for you! There's something wrong with you Harry, and I will find out what it is! Even if it does mean dropping my lovely Arithmancy class for Muggle Studies with this unbelievably sick, mental kind of woman as teacher!

With that, Hermione slammed her hands on the table and snapped at the whole class to be quiet. And so the whole class went back to their normal lessons, with Ramone giving anyone who payed attention a rainfall of house points.

By the end of the lesson, Hermione had received 60 points for answering correctly.

Harry received 100 points for flaunting his bare chest and breakdancing in front of the class.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! You go, H Abusive!" she had cheered, "'Breakdance' is one of the most popular dance for young Muggles! It is quite the latest trend right now, but even so, it is quite dangerous and often ends with a couple of broken ribs, a broken neck, and even death!" Ramone had explained quite cheerfully, "Right, now, anyone else like to try out?"

Most of the students had looked at her in horror and edged away from her.

As the bell rang, everybody flew for the exit.

"She is one, *scary* teacher…" Hermione muttered darkly, walking faster, away and away from the Muggle Studies classroom where Ramone was giving each student a goodbye kiss.

"Aw, she's fine to me!" defended Harry, practising his moves yet again for the sake of the Talent Show. Hermione shook her head, "That's because she likes you!"

"She likes you too, y'know!"

"True." she slowed down and halted to a stop, "But you're different now. You're not Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived Anymore, you're H Abusive… someone else." She looked at the floor sadly.

"Someone else!?" Harry looked astounded, "Yo, are you trippin', girl? I'm no 'someone else'! I'm your best pal!"

Hermione stared at him an smiled, "Yes, you are my – " she rolled her eyes, " – best pal! But I still miss the old Harry. The one who desperately tries to hide underneath those glasses. The one who shines with courage everytime old You-Know-What ('hey, it's not like he's _human_!') turns up from around the corner.."

Hermione continued to stare at the floor, which stared back at her. Partly hoping for an arm wrapping around her shoulders, or some words of comfort the old Harry used to give her whenever she feels blue.

Very unfortunately for Hermione, Rapper Harry was none of the sensitive sort.

He slapped her on the back, making her tumble down to the floor, and laughed, pointing rudely at her, "Haw! Haw! You're hilarious! Haw! Haw! How can someone hide behind their glasses, yo! It's too small! Haw! Hhh.. come, let's go crash the Great Hall. Our bro' Ron should be there by now, aight?" he grinned at her and fled.

Hermione glared at his running back for a very long time before shouting angrily, "Actually, that's not something to laugh about!" but then shook her head and took after him, a hint of a smile playing on her face.

H Abusive or not, he was still the same Harry Potter inside. And he has that Talent Show thing in a week. As his friend, she should really help him out, shouldn't she?

***

Cut! That is a wrap for the fourth chap!!! Yay!

Sorry if it took so long, it was my fault for letting myself drown into the exciting world of writing other stories. But it was just SO tempting! I couldn't help myself! I've been into Japanese animes lately and are in process of writing several stories of them too!

Anyway, my annoying co-writer annonymouse is up next and I am sure she will write an even more hilarious chapter for you guys!! Your turn annonymouse!

Oh! And don't forget to review! Thank you for all those wonderful ones you gave us! Annonymouse was mostly pleased since it was her _first_ chapter for HGH.. hehe! Weren't you, you rat!

Now, review!


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